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Bad Advice, Good Intention, and Why I Was Told to “Stop Smiling”
About 20 years ago I was given a piece of well-intentioned but rather bad advice. I was advised to tone down my positive affect in the workplace – specifically, to stop smiling so much. If you are reading this and know me personally you are probably smiling at the thought of me, in my 20’s, in front of a mirror working on not smiling. If you don’t know me personally, I’ll share data point: at the photo shoot for this website, the photographer noted that I had only one “look” that worked – smiling. The others, he correctly noted, looked unnatural (scary, if you ask me).
I am a warm and positive person -- with a big, toothy smile to prove it. At the time in my life when I was given this “smile less” advice, I was about to enter the sharp and intellectually-competitive world of academe. My advice-giver was trying to protect me from a negative stereotype: people who appear warm and friendly may be perceived as less competent compared to people who appear cold. Dr. Amy Cuddy along with her colleagues Drs. Susan Fiske and Peter Glick have published numerous studies demonstrating this stereotype. In a recent Harvard Business Review article, Cuddy wrote “People tend to see warmth and competence as inversely related. If there’s an apparent surplus of one trait, they infer a deficit of the other.” Ouch.
Race, gender, age, nationality, sexual orientation, weight, being a Star-Trek fan, a bow-tie wearer, or cat-lover may all come with stereotypes. Do we really need to add “warm and friendly” to this ever-growing list? Probably not, but I believe it is helpful to know that it exists. That it exists is the bad news. The good news is that most emotionally-healthy open-minded people can overcome stereotypes and see people as unique individuals, especially when presented with alternative information contrary to their initial snap judgments.
Are you a warm and friendly person – working in a competitive environment where the perception of competence is critical for your success? If so, be sure to clearly demonstrate your intelligence and competence among colleagues, clients, and your supervisor -- especially at the start when the initial impression is formed. If this stereotype doesn’t dissolve, you can smile (yes, smile) knowing that those who make incorrect snap judgments -- and persist in believing them -- will ultimately have a more difficult time succeeding themselves. Across most professions involving human interactions, those with a better ability to accurately judge the talents of others will ultimately be more successful.
For me (and I would hope for most of us), it is preferable to work with people who are both warm and competent. Some of the most brilliant scholars and highly-successful professionals I have had the pleasure of knowing have both warmth and competence -- naturally, and in abundance.
Bring on the stereotype!
Paula
Thanks for posting this article. Last week a senior person told me to stop smiling so much at a happy hour, no less. He even said that no matter what's going on or how much work I get, I'm always smiling. Why should I be sad?! I'm working and gainfully employed in my field, something thousands in the US with my education cannot say right now.
The individual who instructed you not to smile had an agenda. There is insecurity about an individual who makes a negative statement to a positive aspect. A positive attribute should always be supported with positive reinforcement of another vernacular. The statement was inflicted to deflate an individual’s rise to success. Jealously is an insecurity that will appear in all forms. Jealously and the inability to emulate another individual will always create a negative response. If smiling is shown as a weakness, what will always offset that perception of weakness is being correct and adamant with your delivery of correctness. There is a time and place to make a statement of delivery. The greatest gift an individual can have is approachability. Without approachability communication will be lost. The reason we are all here, is to protect individuals who can’t protect themselves. The smile is the greatest gift you can offer another individual. All of us have a wonderful quality that we can offer another human being. A “smile” is the first step to allow ourselves to help another person.
I have always wondered why old photos of people from 60 or more years ago do not show people smiling. Were they all that unhappy? Or was it that you would be considered "stupid looking" if you smiled? That's still true today in many countries outside of the USA. It seems like many times when I see pictures of several people from say Russia, they are not smiling. Very weird indeed.
“Why would people suggest toning down a sense of happiness?”
I have thought of this more than a few occasions. Actually I think of it quite often. What got me to think of it mostly was that when a lot of people would see me smiling too much they would tell me to tone it down. I would think to myself “Why would people suggest toning down a sense of happiness?” It was quite weird that I thought of this. I noticed the people who would say this were having problems. Although I thought why were they worried about bringing me down? There was a biography on a famous individual who had people trying to bring them down because how wealthy this individual had become. I wouldn’t smile when they were around to try to avoid conflict. The thing is, when I’m sad I wouldn’t want others to be hurt the way I’ve been hurt, therefore I couldn’t understand individuals as those who would do what they could to hurt me even if they had already hurt me more than I could bare. They reminded me of the certain individuals in my life who hurt me so bad I entered this deep depression very long ago where I questioned if I should stay alive or not. I just wanted the paint go away and at that moment from what happened I didn’t feel there was anything that would help with the pain from the trauma. Before I would smile a lot and I myself had to practice in the mirror to not smile because I usually was the one who smiled a lot. I found it easier not to smile as much because there are just some weird individuals who would try to bring you down or ruin your happiness. Not smiling as much was part of my depression before. I would at moments worry about showing certain individuals when I was happy and felt like smiling because it hurt a lot what they would do when they noticed I felt happy. They were the type of people who would shatter a person’s hopes and dreams if they wanted to, and by that they got pleasure from it which was just cruel.
I have the opposite problem from smiling, I furrow my brow when I am concentrating or when I am focused on a task and I always get the comment that I look mad. I have actually considered botox to fix this because it seems to really have an effect on how I am perceived. It would never have occurred to me that over-smiling could be thought of as a problem you should fix.
Hi Paula,
I think I have the opposite problem as you; I don't smile enough. It's not that I am unhappy, actually I am quite happy with my life, but I have a tendency not to smile. I'm not sure why, I think it just may be my look I guess. People ask me a lot if anything is wrong, because I'm not smiling. I have been told a few times that I always look mad. To be quite honest, it can be quite irritating when someone comes up to you sympathetically and says "what's wrong, are you okay?", when there is nothing wrong. I know that in certian social situations I kind of force myself to smile just to look like nothing is wrong. I don't know why but it bothers me when other people thing I am sad or not having a good time.
I have thought of this more than a few occasions. Actually I think of it quite often. What got me to think of it mostly was that when a lot of people would see me smiling too much they would tell me to tone it down. I would think to myself “Why would people suggest toning down a sense of happiness?” It was quite weird that I thought of this. I noticed the people who would say this were having problems. Although I thought why were they worried about bringing me down? There was a biography on a famous individual who had people trying to bring them down because how wealthy this individual had become. I wouldn’t smile when they were around to try to avoid conflict. The thing is, when I’m sad I wouldn’t want others to be hurt the way I’ve been hurt, therefore I couldn’t understand individuals as those who would do what they could to hurt me even if they had already hurt me more than I could bare. They reminded me of the certain individuals in my life who hurt me so bad I entered this deep depression very long ago where I questioned if I should stay alive or not. I just wanted the paint go away and at that moment from what happened I didn’t feel there was anything that would help with the pain from the trauma. Before I would smile a lot and I myself had to practice in the mirror to not smile because I usually was the one who smiled a lot. I found it easier not to smile as much because there are just some weird individuals who would try to bring you down or ruin your happiness. Not smiling as much was part of my depression before. I would at moments worry about showing certain individuals when I was happy and felt like smiling because it hurt a lot what they would do when they noticed I felt happy. They were the type of people who would shatter a person’s hopes and dreams if they wanted to, and by that they got pleasure from it which was just cruel.
I had a very similar experience back when I first started my job in 2007. I was 21 and had just landed my dream job as a marine mammal trainer. Obviously I was really excited about my career (and still am) and it showed everyday I came into work. About a month after I started, one of my co-workers pulled me aside and told me that I appeared "too happy" all of the time which made me unapproachable, therefore much harder to work with than some of my other less excitable co-workers. When I later asked my boss if there was any truth about what had been said to me she told me that it was actually my co-worker that was feeling threatened by me and not to worry about it. She said that the love for my job and my enthusiasm would be what helped me through rough spots in the future and to keep my head up. It's slightly different than being perceived as unconfident, but it was definitely unexpected to be perceived as unapproachable and difficult to work with.
Smiling seems more socially than ideally constructive. Most people will furrow their brow when focusing on a math problem, while they'll smile when chit-chatting. I think someone who smiles at work most of the time is not really concentrating hard.
An academic friend just shared that there is a new study by Dr. Kathleen Vohs forthcoming in the Journal of Consumer Research titled "Non-Profits are Seen as Warm and For-Profits are Seen as Competent: Firm Stereotypes Matter." The study will report that "consumers perceive non-profits as being warmer than for-profits, but as less competent" and that these perceptions will influence our purchasing behaviors.
It is interesting to learn where this stereotype emerges.
Paula
Dear Paula, although i had said to myself that today as i got that urge of energy, i would be up in front of my laptop starting that online endeavor, from a sequence of steps i landed on your wonderful website where i have spent the last 90 minutes or so.
The issue "consumers perceive non-profits as being warmer than for-profits, but as less competent" reminds me of the underlying issue of "heart in relation with mind".
In our heart we can smile,cry, love, hate, be jealous, be generous, cruel, soothing, passionate, detached etc. and in our mind all we want is to be no1, to be most competent, the best, the chosen one [(since you are asking about movie suggestions, the matrix trilogy has a lot to offer) and here i will reply to one of your comments --sorry it had to be here-- (other movies that stirred my soul content were the truman show, fight club, star wars, love actually, avatar and many others i dont recall now)], in our minds, failure doesnt exist as a reality (like agent Smith in Matrix) nor we can ever perceive a world without answers to our obstinate "WHYs" for everything is perceived as mere survive or die situation [ my meaning=for every WHY, two more questions arise>] ... see in Matrix, agent Smith and his abilities (he wants to dominate over anything else, he always asks why without being able to learn anything from that outside his mental domain and he can multiply himself----> a very close analogy of that ancient Lernean Hydra and i am sure someone can find many many other such ancient "mythical" truths------ i know an excellent myth springing from ancient hindu traditions which actually raises the existential issue of the "HERO" the each one of us "the incubating Master or Christ or Manager or Director or Steward" who has to face the challenge with the 4 elemental archetypical forces ie. earth-fire-water-air and thus to come into a transcendence of these being able to manage them effectively and exist in a space beyond their enslaving influence).
Thus i relate agent Smith-the mind with element air.
On the other side, heart is the dominant world of emotions, no logic there in its purest form.
So when they say "we have to think with our hearts and feel with our minds" they mean the work that has to be done in order to bridge and put together in harmony those so distant worlds the mental and emotional.
And to conclude that difference between those 2 worlds is meant by saying about warmth and competence.
For further study i suggest to familiarize with the workings of George Gurdjief, a great man indeed, amongst so other wonderful sources we have.
I also make another wonderful analogy for mental vs emotional which is the digital vs analogical phenomena.
If modern science has succeeded in so many ways i believe it is because they have mastered the exact interface between the digital and analogical phenomena and thats what we all are doing (consciously-subconsciously) in our lives ... and to put it more blatantly thats why we have all these tools and realities in our lives.... to assist us in our inner laboratories!
I remain at your disposal!
Great blog post.
They also go on to say "Competence perceptions drive willingness to buy, which means that consumers are more eager to buy a product from a for-profit than a non-profit. These findings have application for both non-profit and for-profit companies interested in altering their perceived stereotypes to address issues of competency and warmth."
(from an academic friend)
As someone who has as cold a face as anyone on the planet, it is absolutely NOT an indication of competence!
I had a manager at an interview tell me I needed to smile more when I talked about my research, that I could get so much more with a smile. And then he hit on me! I am betting that smiling also is related to perceived sexual attraction in the workplace, which also leads to perceived incompetence.
The interviewer who said you could "get more with a smile" needs to learn some professional boundaries among other things. I am so sorry you had that experience...certainly one that would take the smile from anyone's face.
Being aware of all of the potential perceptions and stereotypes in play are useful but, in the end, being true to yourself and your natural affect is most important.
Paula
I appreciate a friend (and fellow academic) for sending me an email to share the research that smiling is correlated with living longer!
Smile on, my friends.
Paula
I think the perception that smilies are dumb is related to the belief that "ignorance is bliss." People who are stressed out believe their stressors are real threats, of which many exist at a societal level. Thus, those who habitually smile must be oblivious to these problems. Also, smiling folk are sometimes perceived as dishonest or fake. These people are also called people-pleasers. Still, probably most non-smiling people are just jealous. Why is existence so heavy for them while others just smile at life and their "coldness."
I think it's funny to hear such a warm person say "smiling is correlated with living longer!" Sounds to me like "Oh yeah? You don't like my face? Well you're gonna die first!" with a smile.
Thankfully, correlation is not causation. I hope we all remain true to ourselves and live long and fulfilling lives.
Paula
Thanks Paula, I never considered that people who were emotionally positive were percevied that way. Looking back, I have to admit that I had a stereotypical view, but it was in the opposite direction. I found people who were closed off and negative to be arrogant and in my mind, arrogant is the antithesis of confident and quite often, competent. I've found arrogance to often be a cover for a lack of self-confidence (simply a fight, rather than flight decision).
When I interview people for a position, I spend more time discussing the person than their experience. I would choose less experience and a personality like you described over the opposite every time. In my field, it's about delivering a technology that will actually help improve the work-lives of the people who are paying for it. It's my experience that this requires a level of empathy not often found in the austerity of "professional starch" ;).
Thanks Scott! The example you offer is the one often given to managers so they are aware of the stereotype (i.e., in order to be effective, some roles require both warmth and competence). You may be interested in reading some of the scholarly research on this topic. Here is one of many articles.
Paula
Thanks for the article, the author's criteria for analysis is nicely aligned with my personal observations. I had spent some time turning over the question of stereotype in my mind a few years ago as I got deeper into my study of the brain. I kept coming back to it since there is information that can be derived; Italian guy, soft spot for his mom, therefore try to sell him flowers... However, the potential for disasterous negative impact led me to conclude that stereotypes should only be entertained for a few seconds before one actually engages the brain to do some real investigation ;).
I also found the author's mention of a "modern egalitarian" view interesting. My study led me to the conclusion (supported) that our brains essentially evolved to flurish in the small hunter-gather packs, and we did flurish ;). The stereotype may be just how our reason has tried to mold-to-use the quick glance assesment our ancestors depended on for survival (which would suggest that it is hard for many to ignore). I think the fact that evolved the capacity to reach the conclusion of a "modern egalitarian" view speaks more of a definition of human than any application to human interactions of observations made of animals "in the jungle" today.
In my mind we came from a physiological evolution, then started a socialogical evolution, and now we are starting a cognitive evolution. My hope is that we leave stereotypes behind sometime soon. Humans are so wonderfully diverse and I don't like to see any one or any group marginalized or worse.
Interesting post, Paula.
Useful to be aware of this because stereotypes like these can impact career progressions.
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