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I Just Arrived in Hawaii. I Want to Come Home.
My husband George and I arrived in Hawaii very late on Monday night to start a well-deserved vacation in a place we both love. On Tuesday morning, I received a call that my dear friend Frank passed away -- cancer. He died in the arms of his wife Kylie and two daughters and is no longer in pain. He died having lived a fabulous life.
We visited Frank just before we left and he smiled widely when we told him where we were going. (The last time we vacationed in Hawaii was 2 years ago with him and Kylie.) At the end of our visit, I gave Frank a hug and a kiss, told him I loved him, said “good-bye” and that “I would miss him in Hawaii”. I guess I could have left off “in Hawaii”.
Tuesday will be forever seared into my memory. George and I toasted Frank, cried, sought peace in the sound of the crashing waves, appreciated a most spectacular sunset, and pondered the fragility of life. I booked my airline ticket back to New York for the funeral.
Life has a strange way of offering perspective. Frank was a former professor of mine at Penn State. We met nearly 20 years ago when he and the other I/O psychology Penn State professors took a huge chance on me, a blue-collar, big-haired kid from Buffalo with low GRE scores and high energy. In 1989, Frank was already famous in the field of work psychology (having written one of the seminal textbooks on the topic), extremely successful and very self-assured. Truth be told, Frank’s intelligence and confidence terrified me as a new graduate school. For this reason I did not ask him to be my advisor. He was not a member of my dissertation committee. I took only one class with him. My lack of confidence and self-doubt frustrated and bored him.
I still remember the conversation in my 2nd year of graduate school that sparked our improbable 20-year friendship, the one when Frank recounted for me the story about how HE got into graduate school, a blue-collar kid from Philadelphia with low test scores and high energy. He shared his story with such honesty and transparency. He shared his story to legitimize my own -- so I would "stop getting in my own way,” as he liked to say.
Nelson Mandela once said “There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” Frank never played small. He pushed himself to be the best at all the things he endeavored -- psychologist, marathon runner, musician, researcher, scholar, father, grandfather, friend. Frank succeeded. He lived a rich, full, interesting, and passionate life, one many would dream of living. He achieved many great things professionally and enjoyed the privileges associated with his success, generously sharing these with those he loved.
Frank did not want me, or anyone else, to settle for a life that would be less than one we are capable of living. To honor the memory of my friend Frank, I ask you to do just that -- live the biggest and best life you possibly can – and give yourself license to write your life’s story.
You will be missed, my friend. I love you and thank you.
Paula
You may be interested to know that I did return to Hawaii after the funeral for another week. I was joking with friends who knew Frank well saying that I returned to Hawaii because "I was convinced Frank would haunt me if I didn't decompress a little". True to Frank's memory, George and I enjoyed the rest of the vacation.
Thanks again for the kindness.
Paula
Dear Paula,
Loss of someone near to you is always painful. My father passed away 2 years back suffering from cancer. I was very close to him and still miss him. But you cannot go against the wishes of the almighty.
I fully agree with your views that you should live your life to the full. For me my father is still with me and will always remain with me till I live. I cherish the memories and always endeavor to pass on his values to my children.
Regards,
Sanjay Mehra
INDIA
Paula:
I offer a toast to never playing small and never forgetting those who have touched us and shown us so much within ourselves.
Dan
Frank was absolutely a force in this world! He inspired and mentored many in the field of I-O psychology, professionally, but more importantly, it seems, personally, encouraging all to live life to the fullest. He left a shining mark on this world that will not fade.
Dear, Paula
I so sorry for your lost! May god bless Frank and his family!
Best,
Mike
Thank you, Paula, for your wonderful remembrance of Frank.
Frank was my advisor, mentor, textbook co-author, advocate, and friend. I also worked for him and with him at both of his consulting firms. While we were working our I-O psychology textbook, Frank and I sent thousands of e-mails back and forth, had hundreds of interesting discussions about I-O psychology and the workplace, and had many, many laughs (usually brought on by an outrageous comment by Frank). He was larger than life, and I can’t believe he is gone. I will miss him more than words can say, and I know many others will too.
Hi Paula,
I was so sad to hear about Frank. I only met him a couple of times but he left a strong impression on me. He must have had that effect on a lot of people. He was one of the great ones and he will be missed.
Extra-big hug! I hope you find some space for peace, relaxation, and happiness during your trip. You certainly deserve it.
Stan
My deepest sympathies for the loss of your friend.
Semper fidelis,
Dan
Paula and I met at Penn State and shared our absolute fear of Frank together. In the one class we took from him, we always had to go out for a glass of wine and free popcorn to decompress. In that class, he demanded the best of us, even if we didn't believe we had it in us. He pushed us to our limits, and then even more. He was my mentor and my friend. Frank challenged me to be the best psychologist and person I could be. He challenged me through his example to live life to the fullest. Frank did everything at full throttle. We even lovingly referred to him in our grad school days as the Tasmanian Devil because of his immense energy. I can only hope that I will never let him down - that I will embrace life as he did. He will be forever etched in my heart as a person who made a real difference in my life. I can only hope that my children will have a Frank in their lives.
I am deeply sorry for your loss!
Love, Leah
Very touching indeed. Sorry to learn about your friend. God bless.
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